If motivation was a snake, I wish it would bite me.

Posted by Whit Barringer , Wednesday, December 05, 2007 5:29 AM

This semester has been rough. Really rough. The marathon paper turned out not so well. "Not so well" means "B+", but it bothered me a lot that what I thought was one of my best papers ended up being... well... not so much. My thesis is defunct, quite officially. I'm looking at three B's if I don't pull up my shoelaces. And... school just sucks in general.

Part of it has to do with the expectations of my professors. I'm not particularly upset that they exist, but I am rather flustered with it on both sides of the coin. My professor's expectations with me are either higher or nonexistent in comparison with my own. One of my professor's teaches a class of twenty people and doesn't know a single one of our names. This same professor apparently didn't notice that about 50% of our class has been missing for the majority of the semester, because he told us that our attendance had been really good. However, my language teacher is constantly pushing and making the students learn. Her expectations are very high, but I feel like this is fair because of how she works with us. On the other hand, another professor uses classtime as a tribute to his own ego (most of our assigned readings have been things he has written). His expectations of me are high, but I don't think it's fair because I always feel like he asks the wrong questions in response to things I write - meaning I think that he has the wrong impression of my paper when he finishes it.

Move on to my thesis tutorial class where there are such high expectations with no direction from any of my superiors, and you've found where the disconnect between school and me begins. I feel pathetic and weak because I'm not able to fight my own discontent and lack of desire to have a fulfilling education this semester, but I also feel like it would be as helpful as punching, kicking, and screaming would be to keeping afloat in the middle of the ocean. So I've decided to tread water while I can.

Not that treading doesn't have its consequences. I've know people who have been doing so since they got to college (and are still doing so afterward). But I feel that my life has become so fast-paced and determined by those outside myself that "treading water" - even for half of one semester - is a euphemism for "drowning." The dates pass me by, the times hit me in the face, the people pull me down. I've put myself into this position, and I'm not complaining that I've done so, per se. I enjoy my responsibilities and I have a desire to do my duties. But I also feel like I've allowed myself to be tied and gagged without possibility of escape for a future I'm not even sure of yet. Are my sacrifices of self too great? Have I done too much? Or am I just too lazy? I don't quite know that, but I do know that I still feel compelled to do what I've promised to do, and that I love being able to offer my services at their demand. I really think my lack of motivation is a byproduct of a really rough semester. And you know what they say about rough times?

This too shall pass.

...or at least it better. I've got a year and a half left.

2 Response to "If motivation was a snake, I wish it would bite me."

Anonymous Says:

This too shall pass.


Sarah Says:

I'm going to build us a boat, and we can ride together. Then we won't be drowning, and we'll have friends.

Perhaps that's cheesy, but we need to depend on one another. We can't do everything ourselves.

Love to you.

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